How a ritual can open the door to meet a new you and how changing the way you tell your story can change your life

3 minute read

Friday Thoughts & Learnings

This week Jody Miller teaches me all about the ancient practice of Misogi which has been used for centuries in Japan to help create space for new beginnings and I learn from psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb how changing the way you tell your story can change your life.

How rituals can open the door to meet a new you

Misogi is a Japanese purification ritual that prepares the mind, body and spirit for new beginnings.  It’s been practiced for over 1,200 years. 

In her book The Misogi Method: A Way to Achieve Lasting Happiness and Success, Jody Miller tells the story of how it’s believed the ritual of Misogi was started by a man, Izanagi, who had returned from travelling to the underworld to find his wife who had recently died. 

When he found her in the underworld, she was covered in maggots. 

He swiftly ran away and when he emerged, he doused himself in cold water by standing underneath a freezing cold waterfall to rid himself of the pollution and impurities of the underworld.

The purpose of the ritual thereafter became to rid oneself of impurities, negative energy, guilt and other darkness’s and welcome a new positive and life changing path.  The cold-water part is thought to make it easier for the new beginning to transition into the body, mind and soul.

I reckon we don’t give enough importance to these kinds of rituals.  From what I can tell, it helps us let go of what was and prepare to be open to what could be.  And because it’s done with intention and involves struggle and discomfort, it’s more likely to set us on the right path. 

I like the idea. I’ve now booked an ice bath session. I look forward to meeting the new me on the other side. Wish me luck!

How changing your story can change your life

I watched a captivating TEDx talk by American psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb this week. Her talk is all about how we are wired to use stories to create meaning and make sense of our reality and the choices we make. Our brains do this to help us survive. 

Stories can be justifications that support our identity: “I have to stay in this job because I have loads of expenses to provide for, even though I’m miserable and hate going to work every day”. 

Stories can also provide answers to big questions that scare us to make us feel safe.  Religion is a form of story.  It tries to answer the questions of why we exist, what happens when we die and how do I live a good life now and afterlife when I die.  People choose to believe whatever story they feel comfortable with and helps them feel safe. And that’s okay. The reality is no one knows, but that doesn’t matter.

Gottlieb makes the point that we can all be unreliable narrators of our own lives at times. The temptation is to tell ourselves stories that we believe will help or protect us, but these aren't always right.

When we tell ourselves stories that are misleading, or incomplete or wrong, instead of providing clarity to our circumstances, they can really mess us up. They can make us see ourselves and our lives in a way that’s not helpful. 

Told differently however, stories have the power to change our lives.

One of the most common stories we tell ourselves is how our freedom is being denied.

Sometimes we tell ourselves that we are completely trapped, stuck in an impossible emotional jail cell by forces other than ourselves. It’s nasty, it’s not our fault and there’s nothing we can do about it.  And Lori reckons we do this way more than we think we do.

 Image taken from Lori Gottlieb TEDx talk, 2019

What we really want is freedom.  But we justify not doing anything about it because we know there’s a catch. Pursuing freedom comes with responsibility and if we take responsibility for our role in the story, we might just have to change. And that takes effort and involves risk.  Our brain usually says no to this because its job is to help us conserve energy and avoid pain.  

We can overcome this problem by tricking our brains into taking action.  To making effort because standing still is worse than taking action.

We can do that by consciously changing the narrative of the story we are telling ourselves and replacing it with one where we take responsibility and specify achievable actions.

Changing the story could sound like: “I’m feeling stuck in my role right now (responsibility). I’ll arrange to talk to my mate Pete about it this week. He’s good at seeing opportunities. I’ll ask him what he thinks and look to come up with some ideas of what to do next (doable actions)”. 

Taking responsibility and action to help alleviate ‘pain’ releases dopamine which fuels motivation. It’s how we begin to solve our problems.  We need all need a reason to do something that’s stronger than the choice of doing nothing. 

Our self-talk is one of the most powerful forces for motivating action or inaction.  We are the editors of our story, and the cool thing is we can choose to have it play out any way we like.

But we need to pay attention to it.  It often runs in the background and can ‘feel’ right so we don’t challenge it. Don’t assume all your stories are helpful. Particularly where they cause you to feel stuck or trapped.  

Unlike a real jail cell, we all have the keys to unlock and escape the ones we create for ourselves.   And the key is to change our stories.

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