How to get better feedback
We are not always objective observers of our own performance, which is why we all need feedback to grow and develop. However, giving and receiving feedback can be a challenging experience for both the giver and receiver.
The key to getting better at giving and receiving feedback is to be clear on what type of feedback to request and knowing how manage your emotions to get the most out of it.
Types of feedback
Sheila Keen, co-author of the New York Times best-selling book Thanks for the Feedback says there is three types of feedback:
Appreciation feedback – where someone provides encouragement. To help you keep doing what you’re doing. Like a pep talk.
Coaching feedback – where someone provides specific instruction to help you do something better or improve something you made. Like when a basketball coach tells you to move another way to be better at blocking a shot.
Evaluation feedback – where someone provides an assessment of whether what you did or made meets a standard. Like getting a grade at school or a performance assessment. This helps you know where your gaps are to be better. The onus is then on you to find out how you can improve.
As the requestor of feedback, it’s up to you to know what kind of feedback you are seeking or receiving and respond to it as intended.
Managing the emotions of receiving feedback
Our feelings about the feedback we receive are the primary filter we use judge the value of it and hence our ability to learn from it.
To process feedback and get the most value from it, you need to know and manage the triggers that shape how you feel about it when you do receive it.
The three key triggers people have when receiving feedback are:
Truth triggers – where the content of the feedback is jarring and seems unfair unhelpful, or simply untrue. Where you feel this, you tend to ignore feedback that could be valuable.
If you feel feedback is jarring, pause before responding and say, “Thanks for sharing your feedback, to be honest it’s a bit jarring to hear. Let me take some time to process it and come back to you.”Relationship triggers – where the person giving the feedback makes you devalue it because of who they are. They may not have the credibility you think is needed. Or a previous interaction with them is colouring how you assess the merit of it, but if it came from another person, you might accept it.
When you receive feedback observe how you feel about the person who is giving it and consider whether you are colouring the usefulness of it based on who they are not on what the feedback is. Ask yourself, “If I received this feedback from another person, would I react the same way?”Identity Triggers: When feedback challenges how you see yourself, it can feel overwhelming or even threatening, often leading to defensiveness. In these moments, the instinct is to reject the feedback outright, regardless of its validity. If you catch yourself dismissing feedback, take a moment to pause and reflect. Remind yourself, “I am more than my actions, and every piece of feedback is an opportunity for growth.” This mindset can help you stay open and use feedback constructively.